My friend, you are a transformer dystopia. My friend, you are a transformer

How to become famous, happy, find yourself and your love, predict the future and cure all diseases

According to sociologists, about 30% of people dream of becoming famous, and 40% of the population are happy when they get a little random fame. In fact, great ambitions and the desire for fame are just a consequence of our children's complexes, but more on that later. The main thing is that this chapter has everything you need to become great and famous in the era of the Post-apocalypse. After all, the world after the End of the World is a place where everything is possible. Field of Wonders, a giant Russian roulette game where one person accidentally becomes a famous member of a criminal gang, and another turns into a superstar playing an imaginary guitar. You can become a great homicidal maniac, or you can put everything you have at stake, but still achieve nothing. You will learn how to fight in a cage in front of a crowd, what you need to do to be shown on TV, and women asked to sign on their bare chest, and whether it is possible to turn into the late and great David Bowie and how this will affect your health. All the stories in this chapter are true, we haven't invented a single character (except that the existence of the hunchback from Glasgow may raise some doubts). And they all appeared as a result of long journalistic work, which proves that real world- more fantastic than even the wildest fiction.

Dedicated to the memory of David Bowie - "the man who fell to Earth".

Julia Dudkina

For a second, he himself suddenly believed that he was David Bowie. Last days everything was leading up to it. First, I had to get stuck at the Los Angeles airport for a day without luggage, then a thirteen-hour flight. In Melbourne, he finally ended up on July 15: by that time, he had hardly slept or eaten for several days. It was cool in Australia, and he arrived in one T-shirt. So this is how the Scots feel in London, he thought as he stepped out of the airport. Strong coffee and champagne made him dizzy, and when he entered his hotel room, the walls swayed towards him. But there was no time to rest at all - after changing clothes, he went downstairs and caught a taxi. He was already expected. The guards at the entrance did not ask for a ticket. “It seems that you are here,” they said, seeing him, and led him inside.

When he appeared at the door, people whispered around: “Look, it's him! He's arrived!" It was impossible to confuse: bright red hair, white face, blue shadows around the eyes. The journalists flashed strangers tried to touch him or even hug him. He hunted all over London for vintage 70s suits, wigs, jackets and ties, he ate milk with red pepper and drank energy drinks in huge quantities. Everything has gone too far, and now even at night he sometimes sees confused Bowie dreams - he wakes up, writes down fragments of thoughts, and then, after delving into book biographies, he realizes that Bowie himself had the same ideas. Dr. Brooker caught his reflection in the mirror, smiled to himself, and thought, "Looks like I did it."

One of the paradoxes of quantum mechanics is quantum teleportation. The state of one quantum particle is destroyed and recreated where there is another particle - entangled. David Bowie was once Psycho No. 1, a guy from outer space, a rock and roll star. But in recent years, he was already a sixty-eight-year-old conformist, a shadow of the former Bowie - he no longer dyed his hair and did not reincarnate, he lived quietly in Manhattan with his wife and daughter and prepared a gift for himself for his last birthday - the first album called Blackstar in three years . David Bowie is a quantum particle whose state has collapsed; Bowie disbanded to appear elsewhere. It seems that the role of the entangled particle in this teleportation went to the British professor, feminist, film and contemporary culture researcher Will Brooker.

Once in 1967, a very young guy David Jones came to the theater troupe of Lindsey Kemp, a dancer, mime, famous actor and teacher, who painfully wanted to become famous. By his twenties, David had already released one unsuccessful record, recorded in fifteen minutes, and sang a frivolous song for advertising Luv ice cream. Then nothing worked out for him, and he decided to do pantomime - he liked the kabuki theater, where men played female roles. Kemp's students traveled all over the country and performed in this genre. David knew exactly what he wanted: for the whole world to know about him and his work. But he did not understand how to do it: very shy and withdrawn, he felt uncomfortable on stage.

Lindsey Kemp wanted to help the student, especially since he clearly had talent. And then Kemp advised the guy to paint his face and paint his hair. After all, if you put on a mask, then you are no longer you. You are your role, and everyone is looking at you. Play and people will believe. You no longer have a choice - you put on a suit and went on stage, which means that the performance has begun. The longest show of your life, David Jones, and you're playing David Bowie in it.

In 1969, when the Americans landed (or pretended to land) on the moon, Major Tom from Bowie's song got lost in outer space. The BBC was showing stories about American astronauts, with Space Oddity playing in the background. Shy David Jones finally figured out what to do.

A successful invention, a set of images, an exact hit on the sore nerve of the era - the invented Bowie was so believed that he became almost real. So much so that he himself invented a role for himself. It was already a double performance, a needle in an egg, and an egg in a duck. Ziggy Stardust appeared on the scene - a space musician made of plastic, an alcoholic and a drug addict who flew to Earth five years before the Apocalypse. David became interested in the production and already had difficulty distinguishing his own roles. "I can never decide if I'm inventing the characters or if the characters are inventing me," he said. And sometimes he suddenly declared: “Now you have the real me in front of you,” but even then no one knew how much he could be trusted. By 1973, Ziggy Stardust began to behave very badly: he forgot why he came to Earth and betrayed his friends. Bowie "killed" him right on stage, and Ziggy was quickly replaced by new characters. Bowie seemed to wander through a labyrinth of distorting mirrors and in each of them he saw either Ziggy Stardust, or the Gaunt White Duke, or Thomas Newton, and in the end ceased to understand whether his own reflection was there at all.

At the same time, in the mid-70s, a little Englishman named Will was putting on his own play. At noon, during the lunch break, he would come home from school and diligently change into clothes: first as a clown, then as a cowboy, then as an astronaut, and sometimes into something completely incomprehensible. Having changed clothes, he, joyful, again ran to the lessons. He was five years old, and he made costumes out of anything, so they didn’t turn out very believable. But he really wanted to believe that his classmates would not recognize him. They really didn't know. More precisely, they knew deep down that in front of them was their friend Will, but they liked to imagine with him that he had turned into an astronaut or a cowboy. When children grow up, it turns out that pretending to be a cowboy, soldier or whatever and dressing up in costumes is “stupid” and “not serious”. Then they become respectable men and women, useful citizens of their state. Will Brooker became a scientist.

Brooker studied cinema and culture, and wrote a well-known scientific work called Batman Unmasked. Analysis of a Cultural Icon", became a professor at Kingston University in the field of film and television. Then he studied the behavior of Star Wars fans and the influence of Lewis Carroll on modern culture. Produced a series of feminist comics about a female superhero, My So-Called Secret Identity, which was praised by The Guardian and Times Higher Education. Will has never been a public person. He was often invited to various programs, and he accepted these invitations, but still he liked to spend time alone - to read, write articles for magazines, travel. He also loved David Bowie, a man who grew up but never stopped playing. As a teenager, Will began to listen to him. He went around with a cassette player and played the Let's dance album over and over again - it amazed him how Bowie managed to become incredibly successful in his lifetime and at the same time remain very strange, how he managed to be pragmatic, but not lose his individuality.

Samizdat “My friend, you are a transformer” (batenka.ru) is a unique journalistic project in which well-known reporters and aspiring authors record all the changes in human society every day. Egor Mostovshchikov (Snob), Daniil Turovsky (Meduza), Yulia Dudkina (Secret Firmy), Vladislav Moiseev (Russian Reporter), Oleg Kashin, Grigory Tumanov (GQ), Olga Beshley and 300 other authors proved that this world in fire.

The book "How to become famous, happy, find yourself and your love, predict the future and cure all diseases" will give answers to all the most important questions in your life, including those that you never wanted to ask.

The work belongs to the genre Publicism: other. It was published in 2018 by AST. The book is part of the Star of the Social Network series. On our website you can download the book "My friend, yes you are a transformer" in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format or read online. Here, before reading, you can also refer to the reviews of readers who are already familiar with the book, and find out their opinion. In the online store of our partner you can buy and read the book in paper form.

© batenka.ru, text,

© AST Publishing House LLC

* * *

Chapter 1
How to become famous

How to become famous, happy, find yourself and your love, predict the future and cure all diseases

According to sociologists, about 30% of people dream of becoming famous, and 40% of the population are happy when they get a little random fame. In fact, great ambitions and the desire for fame are just a consequence of our children's complexes, but more on that later. The main thing is that this chapter has everything you need to become great and famous in the era of the Post-apocalypse. After all, the world after the End of the World is a place where everything is possible. Field of Wonders, a giant Russian roulette game where one person accidentally becomes a famous member of a criminal gang, and another turns into a superstar playing an imaginary guitar. You can become a great homicidal maniac, or you can put everything you have at stake, but still achieve nothing. You will learn how to fight in a cage in front of a crowd, what you need to do to be shown on TV, and women asked to sign on their bare chest, and whether it is possible to turn into the late and great David Bowie and how this will affect your health. All the stories in this chapter are true, we haven't invented a single character (except that the existence of the hunchback from Glasgow may raise some doubts). And all of them appeared as a result of a long journalistic work, which proves that the real world is more fantastic than even the wildest fiction.

Strange story Dr. Brooker and Major Tom

Dedicated to the memory of David Bowie - "the man who fell to Earth".

Julia Dudkina

For a second, he himself suddenly believed that he was David Bowie. For the last few days, everything has been moving towards this. First, I had to get stuck at the Los Angeles airport for a day without luggage, then a thirteen-hour flight. In Melbourne, he finally ended up on July 15: by that time, he had hardly slept or eaten for several days. It was cool in Australia, and he arrived in one T-shirt. So this is how the Scots feel in London, he thought as he stepped out of the airport. Strong coffee and champagne made him dizzy, and when he entered his hotel room, the walls swayed towards him. But there was no time to rest at all - after changing clothes, he went downstairs and caught a taxi. He was already expected. The guards at the entrance did not ask for a ticket. “It seems that you are here,” they said, seeing him, and led him inside.

When he appeared at the door, people whispered around: “Look, it's him! He's arrived!" It was impossible to confuse: bright red hair, white face, blue shadows around the eyes. Journalists snapped flashes, strangers tried to touch him or even hug him. He hunted all over London for vintage 70s suits, wigs, jackets and ties, he ate milk with red pepper and drank energy drinks in huge quantities.

Everything has gone too far, and now even at night he sometimes sees confused Bowie dreams - he wakes up, writes down fragments of thoughts, and then, after delving into book biographies, he realizes that Bowie himself had the same ideas. Dr. Brooker caught his reflection in the mirror, smiled to himself, and thought, "Looks like I did it."

One of the paradoxes of quantum mechanics is quantum teleportation. The state of one quantum particle is destroyed and recreated where there is another particle - entangled. David Bowie was once Psycho No. 1, a guy from outer space, a rock and roll star. But in recent years, he was already a sixty-eight-year-old conformist, a shadow of the former Bowie - he no longer dyed his hair and did not reincarnate, he lived quietly in Manhattan with his wife and daughter and prepared a gift for himself for his last birthday - the first album called Blackstar in three years . David Bowie is a quantum particle whose state has collapsed; Bowie disbanded to appear elsewhere. It seems that the role of the entangled particle in this teleportation went to the British professor, feminist, film and contemporary culture researcher Will Brooker.

Once in 1967, a very young guy David Jones came to the theater troupe of Lindsey Kemp, a dancer, mime, famous actor and teacher, who painfully wanted to become famous. By his twenties, David had already released one unsuccessful record, recorded in fifteen minutes, and sang a frivolous song for advertising Luv ice cream. Then nothing worked out for him, and he decided to do pantomime - he liked the kabuki theater, where men played female roles. Kemp's students traveled all over the country and performed in this genre. David knew exactly what he wanted: for the whole world to know about him and his work. But he did not understand how to do it: very shy and withdrawn, he felt uncomfortable on stage.

Lindsey Kemp wanted to help the student, especially since he clearly had talent. And then Kemp advised the guy to paint his face and paint his hair. After all, if you put on a mask, then you are no longer you. You are your role, and everyone is looking at you. Play and people will believe. You no longer have a choice - you put on a suit and went on stage, which means that the performance has begun. The longest show of your life, David Jones, and you're playing David Bowie in it.

In 1969, when the Americans landed (or pretended to land) on the moon, Major Tom from Bowie's song got lost in outer space. The BBC was showing stories about American astronauts, with Space Oddity playing in the background. Shy David Jones finally figured out what to do.

A successful invention, a set of images, an exact hit on the sore nerve of the era - the invented Bowie was so believed that he became almost real. So much so that he himself invented a role for himself. It was already a double performance, a needle in an egg, and an egg in a duck. Ziggy Stardust appeared on the scene - a space musician made of plastic, an alcoholic and a drug addict who flew to Earth five years before the Apocalypse. David became interested in the production and already had difficulty distinguishing his own roles. "I can never decide if I'm inventing the characters or if the characters are inventing me," he said. And sometimes he suddenly declared: “Now you have the real me in front of you,” but even then no one knew how much he could be trusted. By 1973, Ziggy Stardust began to behave very badly: he forgot why he came to Earth and betrayed his friends. Bowie "killed" him right on stage, and Ziggy was quickly replaced by new characters. Bowie seemed to wander through a labyrinth of distorting mirrors and in each of them he saw either Ziggy Stardust, or the Gaunt White Duke, or Thomas Newton, and in the end ceased to understand whether his own reflection was there at all.

At the same time, in the mid-70s, a little Englishman named Will was putting on his own play. At noon, during the lunch break, he would come home from school and diligently change into clothes: first as a clown, then as a cowboy, then as an astronaut, and sometimes into something completely incomprehensible. Having changed clothes, he, joyful, again ran to the lessons. He was five years old, and he made costumes out of anything, so they didn’t turn out very believable. But he really wanted to believe that his classmates would not recognize him. They really didn't know. More precisely, they knew deep down that in front of them was their friend Will, but they liked to imagine with him that he had turned into an astronaut or a cowboy. When children grow up, it turns out that pretending to be a cowboy, soldier or whatever and dressing up in costumes is “stupid” and “not serious”. Then they become respectable men and women, useful citizens of their state. Will Brooker became a scientist.

Brooker studied cinema and culture, and wrote a well-known scientific work called Batman Unmasked. Analysis of a Cultural Icon", became a professor at Kingston University in the field of film and television. Then he studied the behavior of Star Wars fans and the influence of Lewis Carroll on modern culture. Produced a series of feminist comics about a female superhero, My So-Called Secret Identity, which was praised by The Guardian and Times Higher Education. Will has never been a public person. He was often invited to various programs, and he accepted these invitations, but still he liked to spend time alone - to read, write articles for magazines, travel. He also loved David Bowie, a man who grew up but never stopped playing. As a teenager, Will began to listen to him. He went around with a cassette player and played the Let's dance album over and over again - it amazed him how Bowie managed to become incredibly successful in his lifetime and at the same time remain very strange, how he managed to be pragmatic, but not lose his individuality.

Will Brooker always wanted to do something special that would be related to Bowie. For example, writing a book is, after all, what he does best. But there are already so many books about Bowie that they can remember a whole concert hall, and Will is not the kind of person to just write another one and stay in the shadows, do like everyone else. And then he decided to write a special book, put his whole soul into it, and at the same time understand Bowie in a way that no one understood him. And for this, he decided to become a Bowie for a whole year: travel to the same countries where he went, and read the same books, adhere to the same diet and dress in the same way. Maybe then it will be possible to get into his head and tell what, after all, has been going on in it all these years. After all, if you managed to become a cowboy or a clown, then the performance has already begun.

The weirdest show you've ever seen, Will Brooker, and you're playing David Bowie.

“It was all easier in the beginning,” says Dr. Brooker. “I watched the films that Bowie watched, listened to music, studied biographies, did creative work. But then I realized that if I want to really understand what was in his head, I need to go further. Maybe if I knew what all this would lead to, I would think twice before starting.” Now Will, like Bowie in his time, paints and makes music. Arriving in cities where Bowie once visited, he tries to repeat his route. True, Will does not give big concerts - he only occasionally performs in small clubs. But when journalists ask him for an interview, he never refuses, because he needs to feel for himself what it is like when you are constantly photographed and asked the same questions. It turns out that it’s not very comfortable - you often want to hide and be alone. Will began his experiment in 1960 - when Bowie had just begun to build a career. But he himself does not yet understand what year it is worth stopping at - after all, when the superbook goes on sale, you will need to dress up in Bowie at the presentation, that is, return to the old images again.

Some episodes from the life of a musician manage to pass quite quickly - for example, those when he had a creative lull. Others take a lot of time - so, he was the Gaunt White Duke for several weeks. Sometimes a project has to spend a lot of money. For example, the high-collared shirt of the Wretched White Duke cost £100 at the tailor's, and for Thomas Newton's "The Man Who Fell to the Ground" hairstyle, one had to dye one's hair for two hours once a month. And then there are flights. Will arrived in Melbourne just in time for the opening of the grand exhibition dedicated to David Bowie, so he was greeted there like a star. Moreover, the real Bowie did not fly to her.

Will decided to save on only one thing - unlike the real Bowie, he did not take drugs. It's expensive, it's illegal, and besides, how will he come to his students while high? After all, you can't lose your favorite job because of a book. Instead of sitting on cocaine, Will began to drink a lot of energy drinks and forced himself not to sleep for several days. Feelings, of course, are not exactly the same, but also quite strange. And it's not about costumes and drugs. Sometimes a scientist even gets bored that his project is perceived as a mere masquerade. Will is trying to understand Bowie's work - to find out where the images and ideas came from. And the musician’s drug trips and homosexual relationships, the scientist says, are already his personal life, and Bowie had a right to it.

Will has an artistic mess on his head, his face is completely white, and his lips are made up with red lipstick. In a few hours he will be giving interviews to Australian journalists. The professor is already quite tired. He started his project in June 2015 and managed to reach the 80s. At first he was Ziggy Stardust - nervous and impatient. He hardly ate or slept, constantly talked to the press - after all, this is how a person who wants to become famous behaves. And Bowie really, really wanted that. Ziggy Stardust is a bright piece of plastic with sparkles, behind which you can hide a very shy guy.

Then Will had to become the Gaunt White Duke, the fascist bastard of 1976. An elegant cocaine Pierrot, almost without expression of emotions. He placed black candles around the room, turned on German music and painted strange canvases to it.

“If you decide to be the White Duke, then you become like a bullet, like a knife,” explains Will. “Bowie didn’t come up with all these images just from the void, they were inside him. Just at one point or another, he pulled them to the surface. In the 70s, it was very hard for him, and he had to become exactly like that in order to survive all this. Not everyone can be a White Duke, because not everyone has him. Found in me." Will says that Bowie in the 70s reminds him of a sick bird - somehow he constantly shrinks, tucks his legs under him when he sits down. “The seventies were a real disaster,” says the doctor. "We're lucky we didn't lose Bowie at this time." This is the same time that Bowie, according to him, ate red pepper and milk. Will tried to eat the same way and understood where this strange pose of a sick bird came from. He felt exactly that. Will roamed London for several weeks in a feverish state: if you are the White Duke, then you are a superman and have the right to do anything. You are strong, cruel, and your crime will never be punished.

"So, did you really do something?" I ask Will, but he avoids answering:

You know, I'd rather not tell anyone about this. Sometimes I think that Bowie did not comment on my project because he had forgotten what it was like in the seventies and did not really want to remember. It's really very hard. It's strange that he even survived. Sometimes I think: what if he actually died much earlier, and instead of him there was his clone - this peppy fit man?

By the time Will got to Berlin, where Bowie went to settle down in the late 70s, he had already pretty much stopped understanding what was happening. On a tour of Bowie's favorite places, he listened to the stories of the guide and sometimes he suddenly thought that he was talking about him - Will.

Now the professor has already reached the 80s. Major Tom, who was lost in space many years ago, has finally been found. It turned out that he was just a worthless drug addict who did nothing good in his life, only breathed cosmic ether. "Mom said don't mess with Major Tom." Ashes to Ashes was released in 1980. In the video, Bowie sits alone in the corner of a padded room, cowering. Cruel Pierrot goes along the seashore towards sunset to disappear forever. This is the bottom from which the rebirth of David Bowie gradually begins. And this is a real relief for Will: at least he no longer needs to eat red pepper and drink it with milk.

It is not clear how David Bowie himself treated Will Brooker's experiment - he refused to comment on the scientist's project. Will wants his best-of-the-Bowie book to be like a gift, an expression of love. But it could have turned out the same way as Bowie himself once did with Andy Warhol.

In 1971, David and Angela Bowie approached 33 Union Square in New York. They looked impressive: the husband had shoulder-length hair, women's shoes with a gold strap and a wide-brimmed hat. Angela had short hair and was dressed almost like a man. Together they went inside and took the elevator to the sixth floor, where Andy Warhol's famous "Factory" was located, the New York nest of debauchery, the place where pop art was born. David really wanted to get there - he adored Warhol and dreamed of meeting him.

David and Angela came out on the sixth floor and saw a brick wall in front of them. They knocked, some people came out to them and refused to let them in at the "Factory" - they did not believe that they were facing a famous musician with his wife. The couple went down and up again, this time other people came out to knock, and David and Angela were finally let in. The regular guests of the "Factory" could not come to their senses after the incident when a crazy feminist burst into the loft a few years ago and shot Warhol three times in the stomach, so they looked at the newcomers with distrust. When David found Warhol, he immediately decided to sing him a song that he wrote in his honor. It was called "Andy Warhol".

“Andy Warhol looks a scream, hang him on the wall…” – it seems that the artist did not like these words very much. He somehow vaguely grunted and stepped aside - he did not want to talk to Bowie. David stood alone in the middle of the room and looked terribly confused - he did not want to offend anyone. Someone walking by said to him, "Wow, Andy just got pissed off about that song."

“Sorry,” David replied. “I thought he would be pleased.

“Yes, but you hinted at his unusual appearance,” the unfamiliar guest of the Factory answered him. “Andy has skin problems, and he always thinks it catches everyone's eye.

David was terribly depressed - he felt he was out of place here. But then Warhol, passing by, suddenly noticed his women's shoes - yellow-gold with a strap. He seems to have immediately forgotten how much the song hit him.

- I love these shoes! Where did you buy them? he turned to David. After that, they began to discuss shoes, and the misunderstanding was forgotten. A few years later, Warhol even became a fan of the musician.

However, if Professor Brooker still had the opportunity to show Bowie his book, and he did not like it, then Brooker would definitely have a suitable pair of shoes to fix everything. He spent a lot of time and effort to pick up a wardrobe for his role.

The professor looks tired. He wanted this project to belong only to him, to be part of himself. But it turns out that all his time and energy is devoted to another person. Will has a lot of ideas for new work that has nothing to do with Bowie, but so far he just can't take them on. Because if you decide to play the role of David Bowie, you play it to the end, as the shy guy David Jones once did.

No, Will does not regret at all that he undertook all this: it will be a long journey, from which he will return a little different. But sometimes he still goes to Twitter and addresses readers: “Remind me why I started doing all this in the first place?”

In the 70s, Bowie-Ziggy was sure that the end of the world was about to come. Will from 2015 is increasingly surprised that he never came. After all, the scientist, in order to immerse himself in the past, began to use social networks less, he mostly stays at home, doing music, painting and other old-fashioned things. And when he goes out into the street, he clearly understands that now something is wrong with the world. From every magazine cover, from every billboard, someone is shouting another utter nonsense. Try to turn on the TV - on one channel people talk about nothing, sell air and buy it. On the other, they shoot at each other at close range, cut off their heads, rape someone with five of them. Go online - everyone wants to tell you what color they're wearing and what they ate for breakfast. There is so much information that it does not linger in the head - we are already almost like fish that can retain something in memory from thirty seconds to several days, but not longer. “Maybe the end of the world has come after all?” the doctor thinks. It came, we just didn't notice. And Bowie knew everything from the very beginning. If, of course, he even existed. All this is yet to be learned by the professor when he has gone his way to the end.

At parting, Dr. Brooker says to me: “Do you know what Bowie did when he left the stage? This meant that the performance was over, no one was looking at him anymore and he could take off his mask. And Will slowly wipes the lipstick off his lips.

Bowie had long since worn off his lipstick, and in his last years you would hardly recognize him in a crowd walking around New York, you would hardly find in that middle-aged gentleman even an echo of Major Tom. Maybe David Bowie - this ingenious simulacrum - just lost its meaning? Psycho #1 stops being a psycho if everyone goes crazy. The plastic guy from space is losing his uniqueness in the plastic world. After all, Bowie has always tried to be a mirror of his era. But, it seems, one day he simply had nothing to reflect.

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